Archive for the ‘You can’t Make This Stuff up’ category

Bits & Pieces, Odds & Ends Version6.0

May 29, 2009

Gasoline prices are marching upward again….

The North Koreans are threatening to unleash the nuclear genie….

The automakers are still reeling….

And the media desperately continues to scare us with Swine Flu horror stories about a disease that’s about as mild as a bad head cold…

So how does this blog respond to all of that?

We ignore it all, and look at the wackier side of life in this installment of:

SMILE  AND  THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON….

Thanks to Osama Bin Laden and his ilk—we can now look forward to having our crappy driver’s license photos look even worse…

Seems that states around the country are prohibiting smiling for picture that’ll go on your license..

The reason—facial recognition software.

Seems the smile wrecks the software’s ability to recognize photos already in the data-base of known faces.

So, smile at the risk of national security.

If you do, EYE guess law enforcement won’t be able to tell if you’re just a speeder, or someone who wants to destroy all American infidels.

GETTING YOUR GOAT #1

A tiny, little turtle is getting the goat of the Maryland State Highway Administration—literally.

Seems a highway bypass project has to go around the habitat of the endangered Bog Turtle.

That’s the easy part.

As you can read here, the hard part is trying to figure out how to remove weeds and brush in the habitat without using chemicals or techniques that might harm the little reptiles.

Enter the goats.

As the video below shows—they’re pretty good at clearing the land–while letting the turtles live in their bog.

GETTING YOUR GOAT #2

Goat herds may be good for Maryland Highway officials—but not for the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors.

Seems a family outside the city proper had a herd of 15 goats, two horses, a llama and an emu.

As you can read here, neighbors complained about the smell and noise of the animals—so,  the city slickers on the board of supervisors came up with a solution.

They said the family could ONLY keep 10 goats, two horses, a llama and an emu.

Apparently, 10 goats don’t make as much noise or smell as bad as 15 goats.

EYE never knew that.

InstantEYE

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It’s A Crime They’re So Stupid….

May 4, 2009

Being a cop’s not always an easy job—but it does have its moments…

Especially when the bad guy is dumb enough  to do your work for you.

And that’s the case with these folks.. Dumb as a box of rocks—and just waiting to taken for ‘Granite’…

HE’S GOT A TICKET TO RIDE (TO JAIL)…

If you’re on probation—-it’s a good idea not do do anything that might make your parole officer suspicious. And that would include showing up at his office in a stolen car when you are on probation for a car theft rap.

But that’s exactly what one criminal master-mind did.

It was pretty easy for the cops to figure out the vehicle had been stolen because this Tampa, Florida guy shows up in a car with Washington State plates that has the ignition column  punched out and a screwdriver shoved in the side of  the steering column being used as an ignition key.

SHE WAS IN A REAL (DOOR) JAM…

Here’s an audio tape from a 9-1-1 call where a woman needs the police to help with  her locked automobile.

Listen carefully as the dispatcher figures out what’s wrong almost instantly—and tries to suppress a giggle  as she explains how to remedy the situation…

HIS EXCUSE KINDA BOMBED…

Jamiel Williams was supposed to report for a court-ordered drug test, in Lawrence, Massachusetts but was a afraid he was going to fail the test.

So, how best to avoid it?

Well — how about planting a fake bomb on the steps of the courthouse?

Part one of the plan worked perfectly.

The building was closed for hours.

Part two of the plan wasn’t so good.

You see, Jamiel left a handwritten note with his fake bomb, and his note also contained his fingerprints so the c0ps had TWO ways to tie him to the device.

On the plus side, Jamiel won’t have to take any drug tests in jail…

InstantEYE

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We All Go Boom…

March 10, 2009

New York City is in the cross hairs again—only this time it isn’t terrorists—it’s God.

That’s the word from David Wilkerson—a pastor of the Times Square Church in New York City and who gained fame as the author of “The Cross and the Switchblade.”

That book detailed the story of his gang ministry that began in the late 50’s..

Wilkerson says God delivered an “urgent” message to him and he’s just spreading the word about what he calls “an Earth shattering calamity” about to unfold.

In his blog, which you can read here, he writes  that a huge fire will erupt in New York city, and

“It will engulf the whole megaplex, including areas of New Jersey and Connecticut. Major cities all across America will experience riots and blazing fires – such as we saw in Watts, Los Angeles, years ago,” he explains. “There will be riots and fires in cities worldwide. There will be looting – including Times Square, New York City.”

Sounds a lot like a nuclear attack—doesn’t it?

It would appear we’re all going to go BOOM.

The reverend is also warning folks that they’d better stock up on 30 days worth of supplies to get us through the upcoming disaster.

Although he’s very specific about the kind of destruction that will occur— he’s a little vague when it comes to exactly WHEN  all this will happen.

“I do not know when these things will come to pass, but I know it is not far off,” he writes.

There have been scores of end-of-the-world predictions made over the decades by psychics and religious men—and none have yet come to pass.

Heck, 27 years ago, Pat Robertson generated all kinds of press when he said on his 700 Club TV show that the end of the world would come in 1982..

Now, EYE am pretty sure the Apocalypse isn’t headed our way anytime soon—but just in case, EYE will be laying in a month’s supply of toilet paper and coffee—two things EYE wouldn’t be able to do without if Pastor Wilkerson happens to be correct.

InstantEYE

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You Be The Judge…

February 26, 2009

The old time slapstick comedians like Laurel & Hardy knew what was funny.

When they slipped on a banana peel—it made people laugh.

But humor is subjective.

And what is hysterically funny to me—may provoke nothing more than a sour look from you.

HERE’S THE BEEF….

Lately—we’ve been having a little debate around my house about certain TV commercials for a couple of burger chains…

The Burger King commercials feature a mute “King” with a plastic-like mask that has a wide smile frozen on the face. The Wendy’s ads use part of the chain’s trademark red hair and pig-tails slapped atop “normal” people’s heads.

Scary or Silly?

EYE say both are scary. My family is divided.

A GRAVE SITUATION…..

Oh, it’s for real. Here’s the link to the actual cemetery plot in Oklahoma.

The story is the woman who died had a keen sense of humor and asked that an expired parking meter be part of her headstone.

The bottom line on the headstone, (which you can see if you click on the link and blow it up) says: “Our mom. Her humor lives on”

EYE say “silly”—others around here say scary.

TAX ME NO QUESTIONS….

Here’s a recent commercial for the H & R Block tax prep firm.

This is part of a  flight of spots in which the company claims they’ll give your taxes a second look—find errors—and save you money..

But— is this particular spot scary or silly?

My vote: If EYE could find a way to wear this TV commercial—it’d be a great Halloween costume !!!!

InstantEYE

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Bits & Pieces, Odds & Ends Version4.0

February 23, 2009

Eye sometimes see things that make me want to pause, scratch my head and say what the heck is that all about..

And so it is with this collection of puzzlers that make up this installment of:

BET IT’S A RELIEF TO PLAY THIS GAME…

A couple of guys have come up with the ultimate video game for male bonding—a game that’s played in the men’s room using a stream of urine.

As the YOUR IN CONTROL website shows here, the game lets you drive a virtual car with your stream of expelled waste.

The creators put together this serious video—explaining how it works…

NOW  THAT’S  IRONY…

It’s kinda hard to trust what the label on this spray can says when you take a look at the top of the unit…

Perhaps they’d do better to make paint  the whole can BROWN at the factory…

LOCATION…LOCATION…LOCATION….

Ask any real estate agent—and they’ll tell you location IS the key to a successful business…

So ya gotta figure— the owners of this donut shop must be rolling  in  the dough–in more ways than one…

Plus—think of all the money the  donut shop owners save not having to install any kind of burglary alarm system…

THIS CONCEPT’S TOUGH TO SWALLOW….

Years ago– a popular boxed candy used to advertise that its elegently wrapped chocolates  were  “always a gift in good taste..”

With regard  to the candy pictured below— it would seem that this item might be in bad taste—in more ways than one…

InstantEYE

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So You’ve Had A Bad Day….

February 19, 2009

We all have the occasional tough time—a day from hell that would be best avoided by sleeping in…

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But, some bad days are worse than others as you’re about to see…

WHY NOT JUST PAINT A GIANT BULLS-EYE ON HIS ROOF…

Back in November of 2007, a Bosnian man had a once-in-billion thing happen to him.


His home was hit by a meteorite—doing considerable damage…

But, Radivoje Lajic’s luck was about to get better—or worse—depending on your perspective.

Soon, thereafter his home was struck AGAIN by a meteorite.

What are the odds of that?

How about the odds of it happening three MORE times in the next few weeks?

The University of Belgrade confirms ALL five the rocks are from outer space.


Lajic says he’s being targeted by aliens— saying they’re mad at him for some reason as you can read here

Science is looking for a more earthly explanation—to see why meteorites are attracted to the piece of land where Lajic’s home stands.

After five hits—he’s reinforced the roof of his home with a steel girder in case he’s showered with more extraterrestrial rocks.

In the meantime—it might be wise not to accept any invitations from him to hang at his home ’til someone can figure out why he’s such a “rock” star…

TICKET TO RIDE #1….

When you park illegally—you take your chances with a ticket, and maybe even the towing of your automobile….

That’s what happened to the owner of this car, but the towing job was—shall we say—not conducive to keeping the pain job on the car from getting scratched…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

TICKET TO RIDE #2…

The owner of this car didn’t have to suffer a really bad towing job—but—he too ended up with a few paint scratches on his car—along with the need to apparently replace four tires that seemed to succumb to friction and heat…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

FIRED UP OVER A HOSE JOB….

In this case—EYE am not sure who was having the worse day— the driver of the automobile parked illegally in front of the fire hydrant—-or the desperate firefighters who needed to get water…

…And in this case, your bad day isn’t over, ’cause HOW do you explain this one to your insurance company???

InstantEYE

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Politics In The Blink Of An EYE….

January 26, 2009

The new administration’s been in office about a week now—and there’s already a lot of things to look at…

So, EYE will focus on on a couple of the more interesting tid-bits that have surfaced.

STRINGING US ALONG….

The festive sounds of Barack Obama’s inaugural had hardly died out in Washington, when word began to surface that all was not as it appeared that day.

Seems the string quartet  that included such world-famous talents such  as violinist Itzhak Perlman, cellist Yo-Yo Ma wasn’t really playing for  the crowd at all..

In a move worthy of the fake singing 1980’s pop group Milli Vanilli, Ashlee Simpson on SNL, and The Chinese Government  decision to use Lin Miaokel  lip-syncing that country’s national anthem during the Olympics— the musicians playing at the Inauguration were just faking it.

Claiming it was too cold for their instruments to sound right— the group pre-recorded their music two days beforehand.

Carole Florman, a spokeswoman for the committee putting on the event defended the fakery saying, “It’s not something we would announce, but it’s not something we would try to hide.”

C’mon Carol— if you weren’t trying to HIDE IT— why wasn’t it made public knowledge?

Remember— the new president promised a lot more transparency, so you oughta try and FOLLOW that example…

The TV networks were alerted to the use of the pre-recorded music—but no one said anything about it at the time.

EYE think people would have understood if an announcement was made at the time explaining what was going on.

And politicians wonder why no one trusts ANYTHING that comes out of Washington !

THAT’S HOW THE COOKIE-MAKER CRUMBLES….

A New York City baker may have bitten off  more than he can chew after creating a so-called “tribute” cookie to the new president.

Ted Kefalinos, proprietor of Lafayette French Pastry shop in trendy Greenwich Village created  the NOT so trendy “Drunken Negro-Face Cookie”

As you can see in this video, the guy doesn’t seem to “get it” that  there might be a problem with this racially insensitive pastry.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Since that piece aired on TV, the baker has cooked up an apology—as you can read here.

But—somehow—unlike his cookies—his apology just seems half-baked.

HE’S THEIR RISING SON….

While New Yorkers may be shying away from those commemorative Obama Cookies—the Japanese are eating up all of  Barack Obama’s speeches.

Seems his words are not only inspirational to the Japanese—but are proving an easy way to learning English.

As you can read here, one book— “The Speeches of Barack Obama,” has sold more than 400,000 copies in two months.

When you consider that sales of a million  units in a year are considered best-sellers in Japan, nearly half a million on two months is phenomenal.

According Japan’s Asahi Press, speeches by presidential candidates make excellent tools to teach English—and apparently President Obama’s are “so moving” that they outsell everything else.

InstantEYE

My Zimbio

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